Monday, January 27, 2014

Don't Panic?

I can't believe it.  I was so high.  It was like euphoria.

But now, I can feel the crash.

No, I'm not referring to drugs.  I'm referring to mania.

This semester, even with what little I'm doing, is starting to pile up, mostly with things with my fraternity, Sigma Alpha Iota.  This week is our Recruitment Week, which means three different informationals all week. Tomorrow night (well, I'm guessing by now it'll be tonight) is our Live Action informational, which is basically going to have a life-sized Candyland board, improvisation games, pictionary, etc..  Then the day after that is our sleepover/girls' night informational, and ending with our Formal Informational on Friday.  I'm helping to set up everything, mostly because I volunteered for everything under the sun during my episode of mania all last week.  Now, I'm starting to crash, to feel the weight of all of this pressure.  On the one hand, I've already set these commitments to my chapter.  I love SAI, and I love my sisters, and I don't want to let them down.  But on the other hand, I'm also feeling the pull of having to get all A's in my classes.  I don't want to have to leave Morehead.  I've already established a support group here.  Hardly anyone back home outside of my immediate family and a handful of friends is aware of my health situation other than what I've written on this blog.  If I have to leave Morehead, I'll be forced to start all over again in establishing a support group, and it already took me forever to find the one I have now.  Leaving will only put me farther behind in my treatment.

One of the central lines in the book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is the phrase "Don't Panic." I think the idea of that in the context of the book was to tell the reader, "Don't worry about space; everything you need is right here."

But applying that phrase in real life?  Yeah, easier said than done.  Much easier.

See, while we may not have aliens or anything like that, we have drama, and work, and class, and (for some of us) health issues that we have to work around in order to do well.  Trying to juggle bipolar disorder or whatever problem you have, as well as a job, and class, and a fraternity (or sorority), and a boyfriend/girlfriend... it gets rough.  There are times when I will snap at my boyfriend when I get upset, or I'll snap at a sister, or start crying nonstop.  Or it'll be the opposite: I'm suddenly overly nice.  I want to do everything under the sun.  Oh, you need help with something?  Let me take on your project 100%.  Oh, I have five other projects I'm working on?  Don't worry, I got this.

And then?  Boom.  You feel the weight of everything that's expected of you.  Those five projects?  Well, what first seemed to be little more than ants have now grown into the size of giant hydras.

Five giant hydras with one hundred heads each.
(And yes, I did just pull a Hercules reference.)

In a word, it's scary.  Don't panic?  Yeah, I'd like to see someone try to say that after riding this roller coaster. Up, down, up, down.  And not just that.  Really high ups, and really low downs, over and over again.  And it won't stop.

There are only two things keeping me up this week.  One, our chapter's recruitment week.  Membership and informationals have always been my favorite part of SAI.  Two, I only have to trudge through one more week after this, because next weekend, I get to see my boyfriend for the first time since the semester started. I'm telling you, I think I could use a nice cup of coffee... or tea... both sound good right now.

Love and Coffee cups,

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