Saturday, January 11, 2014

Flowers Watered with Tears: Musings of a Writer Afraid of the Spring

So, today marks the last weekend before classes start.  Mostly I've been spending it getting settled in, watching Doctor Who (Christopher Eccleston, you are still my muse) and Once Upon a Time (Captain Hook is delicious, just saying), eating, and getting ready for class.  One of my classes requires that you take an obscene amount of notes in order to pass, so I've been trying to read ahead and get started on that.

Oh yeah, and sleeping.

This semester is filling me with... shall we say, apprehension, to say the least.  Only one of my classes this semester is going towards my major; the others are general education classes.  So, I'm not too worried. As my good friend told me, "There's no pressure."

But then, on the other hand, spring has never been a good time for me.  In high school, there was a year-long period where several of my relatives all died in a row, beginning in the spring of 2011 and ending in the spring of 2012.  Last spring was when the attacks got worse.  Spring was the time of year I attempted suicide, and the day after that, my now ex boyfriend dumped me.  Let's just say that when T.S. Eliot wrote "April is the cruelest month," I think he meant it to be literal for me.

That's not to say that good things haven't happened in the spring.  My parents' anniversary is in the spring.  I graduated 14th in my class in the spring of 2012.  I was accepted into the Kentucky Ambassadors of Music in the spring of 2011 (a group that would go on a sixteen day tour across Europe in the summer of 2012). More recently, I started dating my boyfriend last spring, and this spring will mark our one year anniversary. And when I get older, I want to have a spring wedding, that way something else good will happen in the spring.

So I guess that I'm afraid of the spring.  It's a pretty time of year, but the flowers are watered with the tears of loss and suffering.  What if I fail my classes?  What if I lose someone else?  What if my mental health declines?

But I can't let my life be dictated by what ifs.  I don't know what this spring will bring.  I'm going to leave the things that I'm not sure of to God.  I will prove to everyone that I can succeed despite the setbacks of the previous several years.  Nicolas Cage put it best in Ghost Rider when he said, "You can't live in fear."

For now, all I can ask is that you wish me luck with this semester.

Love and Coffee cups,